I think it's safe to say that summer has arrived, and this one is bright with possibilities.
I had my interview for my field internship, and it went smashing. I'm going to be working in a partial care facility that works with people on the verge of losing their children. They are in many cases court mandated to do the day program, so there is work on parenting intervention. But the highlight, from my perspective, is that there is plenty of opportunity to work with trauma survivors, as many of the parents came from childhoods of abuse and neglect. The facility itself is humongous, and during the tour I definitely got to strike up some interesting conversations with other employees. The potential for career growth is very large because the Charles Yates Center is only part of a larger nonprofit called Child and Family Services. If I do well and like it, the odds of getting a job post-graduation within the CFS network are very high. My supervisor, Susan, is awesome, and the people there seem very easy-going, friendly and interesting. Even though the CFS network is so huge, they are very open to creative energy and are always willing to implement new programs and ideas dreamed up by their brainstorming employees.
When I was doing a financial literacy workshop in Harlem the other day I began to question my decision not to attend Columbia, owing to the fact that I love New York and will miss it a lot, but after my field placement interview, I knew I had made the right choice. The field placement Penn chose for me perfectly suits my needs, interests and experience. It makes me feel like I am in good hands. And I already have been assigned summer reading for my American Racism course sequence!
Yesterday Dom and I drove into Maple Shade to sign our new lease, ( stuff about nutrition )
Anyway, naturally I felt pretty revved up when I saw I'd lost another 2 pounds, so I was in a fantastic mood yesterday. We decided to go to the Franklin Museum in Philly. From our future residence in Maple Shade, it's about 15 minutes to get to the Ben Franklin Bridge into Philadelphia. For those who have never been to Philly, THIS IS WHY I'M GOING TO PENN:
The Philadelphia Skyline
University of Pennsylvania
University of Pennsylvania
Philadelphia just gets to me. It reminds me so much of Ann Arbor even though it is so much bigger. Unlike in New York, in Philly you can actually see the sky, and the streets are lined with trees. It's like being in a city and surrounded by the beauty of nature all at once. And there is no shortage of stuff to do. It feels like such an honor that I'm going to be living within just 20 minutes of this wonderful place.
Dom and I went to the Franklin museum, yesterday, as I said, to see the Star Trek exhibit, and it is there I purchased my very own tribble. I've wanted one for a long time but they are impossible to find online any more.
The narrative. The story. I've been trapped in it since the moment I learned that what happened to me was not okay. In the beginning, My Story was about what a failed human being I was, how weak I was to give into depression, how afraid I was of everything, how much I felt like the things that happened were my fault. After close to a decade of working on it, My Story is a bit different. Now it's about How Much I Overcame, How Strong I Was, how much I still deal with as a result of what happened, how unlike other people I am, how alone I feel, how afraid I am to trust again.
I didn't realize it, but the new story is just as hurtful as the old one. Stories are killing me. For as long as I can remember I've only been able to understand my life through narrative. Yet here I am, 26 years old, with complete understanding of what happened to me as a child, and I'm still trying to fix things with narrative. It's not working. Talking does not make trauma go away. Talking does not raise my self-esteem and make me sleep better at night. Eight years in therapy and even though I've come so far in terms of being able to function and do good work, I still live with this core of pain.
I am reading this amazing book. It's called ''Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha.'' Now I've read about a million books about the Buddhist concept of acceptance, but I never truly GOT IT until I started reading this wonderful story. It was written by a clinical psychologist and Buddhist teacher named Tara Brach. She has a way of just making you understand. LIFE IS NOT ABOUT STORIES. It's about what is going on in the moment, and how willing you are to face it, accept it, embrace it, learn from it.
As she puts it, there are two ''wings'' to Radical Acceptance. There is the wing of clarity and the wing of compassion. We must be able to pause in a moment of conflict or pain and see it with perfect clarity and then embrace it with perfect compassion. Judgment doesn't do any good, and if we INSIST on judging it, it does less good to judge ourselves for judging it. There is a way to make every moment completely okay just as it is... every thought, every feeling attended to with compassion.
The thing is, for me, once I start doing this, I discover how much pain I actually have. There is so much, in so many ways, every day. Every decision motivated by fear, aversion, grasping.
An example: I went to work on Monday because my coworker asked me to be there so she could leave early. I have the flu. I wanted to be completely recovered, but it was clear once I arrived at work that I was still quite sick. I could not cover phones because I don't have a voice, so I was pretty useless.
So here I am, at work, feeling physically miserable, and emotionally conflicted. I Want to Go Home. I am running out of paid days off, though, and I was out sick a couple of weeks ago so I felt incredibly guilty about being sick again. Worse, I'd just emailed my bosses and told them I was back, but in a limited capacity. Now I wanted to walk away again, go crawl under the covers and hopefully get better. Nevertheless, I told myself, Hard Workers work when they are sick. I'm here now so I might as well commit to the full day.
I am not going to do the reactive thing and eat junk food. I ate the most nutritious lunch possible, and promptly got sick to my stomach. So I'm in the bathroom, being sick, and a thousand things are running through my mind. I feel like I'm forced to choose between good health and being considered a reliable worker. I feel bad about spreading germs around, I worry that I'm never going to get better, I worry I'm going to get fired for missing work, I'm worried about X...
...and there, in that moment, I'm hit with the truth of Radical Acceptance. I take the Divine Pause.
I feel this pain. This pain of not wanting to be rejected or judged, this pain of not wanting to be sick for the rest of my life, this guilt for making a big deal out of a measly flu bug, this pain, so much pain, in so many different ways. And I just sat with it and for the first time ever really understood what is meant by treating your experience with compassion.
I might be a different person, with a different set of circumstances, but the pain in question is a universal pain that is unique to nobody. It's the pain of not being good enough. And for just that moment I allowed myself to feel that pain, without judging it, without making it into a story... that's all it was, in that moment, I Don't Feel Good Enough.
And it was beautiful. It changed everything. I felt so much calmer. I walked back into the office and asked my coworkers if they could manage without me, they highly encouraged me to go home and rest, and I did.
I can't do it justice in words, but I feel so liberated. Whenever I thought about Zen meditation, the ultimate goal, for me, was No Thoughts, No Feelings. But it's not. That's not what Zen is. Zen is being with the thoughts and feelings, whatever they are, welcoming them in, inviting them to tea, seeing them with clarity and compassion. Zen is the perfect freedom to be what you are in that moment, without judgment. This is the big thing for me... WITHOUT JUDGMENT. I have hurt myself so many times by castigating myself for thoughts and feelings, rather than opening up them, accepting them. And when you can accept them, it gives you more clarity, less reactivity... I don't lash out to protect myself from some pain. Having welcomed the pain in and realizing it's okay, I can make a calmer, clearer choice that is based not in fear but compassion and wisdom.
This is huge for me. I feel like my spiritual practice is opening up, moving and growing into a kind of presence. I've been bitter a long time for the things I have suffered. But I have finally found the compassion I seek, and I found it the last place I ever expected to find it: my own experience. My enemies for years have been Grief and Anger, Weakness, Loneliness, any emotion that will make me feel out of control. I have just discovered these feelings aren't my enemies. They are my teachers.
Mmm, nothing can give you quite such a deep appreciation for physical health as being sick as a dog for a few days. I'm recovering from the flu. It claimed Thursday, Friday, and this beautiful weekend I spent miserable on the couch. The doctor gave me antibiotics, so I'm on the regimen and I'm definitely getting better, but way slower than one would hope. I finally got a decent stretch of sleep last night... 4:30am to 8:45am. It is my profoundest hope that I will be well enough today to use my desktop computer to play video games. I will probably be well enough for work Monday, but barely. I still have one hell of a cough, and that's while heavily medicated.
The good in all this is my husband, who has been devotedly at my side, preparing me meals, bringing me medicine, and otherwise being awesome. I really want to show him how much I appreciate it, in a big way, but I haven't gotten to the brainstorming process yet. He's unimpressed by material excess
(love is free love me say hell yes)
so I am going to have to be creative.
Next weekend I am going to see a nutritionist, to attempt to get to the bottom of all my stomach problems, since the million and five screening tests I had ruled out everything serious. (Though you try to tell me IBS isn't serious... where's the growly emoticon when you need it?)
I'm feeling pretty good. It's hard to be in a bad mood when you know Spring is here. Even if I can't enjoy it yet, I know it's waiting for me.
“Okay, this is really odd... I'm gonna recite a poem that I performed in the 9th grade. It's "the Walrus and the Carpenter by Lewis Carroll." Not the whole thing--it's really long.
But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.
Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.
Okay, I really love this poem, because it's cute, and I did little cut-out figures of oysters when I performed it, cuz I'm a little odd, but, uh, I don't want to wake up my husband. He's still sleeping.
I survived my grad school interviews with UPenn and Bryn Mawr. Today has been a complete roller coaster of a day. I made it just in the nick of time to both interviews (fifteen minutes to spare, which when you don't know where you're going is cutting it super close.) It's honestly a miracle things went as smoothly as they did. One wrong turn and I could have been late.
Driving through Philly was a bit crazy, finding parking even crazier, then I had to hoof it on foot for 20 minutes. By the time I got there I was gasping and couldn't feel my toes and the reception lady ran and got me some water. What I saw of the campus, though, was absolutely gorgeous. It reminded me of the classic look of the Diag at U of M, only it's structured like a grid and is almost like a little town. They call it, ''University City.''
So I was already having very positive vibes about UPenn as a community, but what happened just completely blew me out of the water. The interview couldn't possibly have gone better. I at no point felt like I had to strive to impress the Admissions Director. Instead I felt like I was having a very dynamic and interesting conversation with someone I really connected with. All I really had to do was be honest... and I admitted a lot of the things I had feared... for example the fact that I wasn't decided on Macro or Clinical practice. That is pretty much their default assumption, though. She explained more about the program in depth and actually told me they offer a dual degree program where I could get the best of both worlds... an MSW in Clinical Social Work alongside a Master of Nonprofit Leadership. And, she said, I don't even have to decide until next year.
Then she started busting out the compliments. I'm not even kidding.
''How do you feel about your writing?'' ''Um, I would have to say it's one of my greatest strengths.'' ''I would agree. I found your statement very interesting and really enjoyed reading it. One of the main things we look for in our students is good writing, and you are an excellent writer. I'm known around here as the critical one and I honestly couldn't find a single mistake.'' ''Um. Wow. Thanks!''
She also referenced, ''your numerous experiences in social work,'' announced, ''Your grades are excellent and I think it's silly that you wrote a letter about how your final year was better.'' She said, ''We got your letter about the withdrawals, but that's not even relevant, we don't care about those, that's a non-issue.''
And then... seriously. Seriously. What every student wants to hear.
''To be perfectly honest, I see nothing here barring you from admission. You won't get the letter for about three weeks, but I think you'll do very well here.''
SERIOUSLY!
U OF FUCKING PENN! One of the best schools in the freakin' WORLD. Sees nothing. Barring ME. From admission.
Excuse me while I hyperventilate. We went on to discuss a number of other things, like the government's failure to address the problem of mental health parity and immigration, and just generally chatted (she even asked me a bunch of questions about my withdrawals with the caveat, ''this has nothing to do with the interview, I'm just curious.'') She talked at length about the support network and the intimacy of the program here, and then when I mentioned how much I loved the people there, she asked who I meant, I told her, and she pulled the lady into the office for me to meet.
Really.
Really.
*dies*
Bryn Mawr was great too... seems like an excellent school and I would be happy there. No dissing on Bryn Mawr. But I've just fallen head over heels with UPenn. It's that it offers every single thing I want. And more. I never thought I'd ever hear myself saying this, but if Columbia wants me, they're going to have to fight for it!
So I have two graduate school interviews today, one with University of Pennsylvania and one with Bryn Mawr College. That's right folks, in about an hour I'll be heading out to spend the day in Philly.
My UPenn interview was supposed to be last week, but my interviewer got the flu so she had to reschedule. The weird thing is, I wasn't as nervous last week as I am today. Dom says it's because I'm really excited, which is true -- I already talked to the lady at UPenn over the phone for about 15 minutes, and she's very kind, and we got along really well. So the situation must have become much more real to me, and I must have realized how truly possible this is as an outcome for my life. So with the excitement comes more nervousness.
Dom says they already know I'm smart and I don't have to try to prove anything to them. They just do interviews to screen out socially inept people. He says the most important thing for me to show them is my drive and passion, and not to pretend I'm someone else. He said the point of the interview is just to see if I'm a good fit for the program, and that if they didn't think I was intelligent they wouldn't be doing the interview in the first place. He said I didn't really need to do anything to prepare, because I already am who I am.
Easy for him to say. I'm one of the first of 350 interviews. Originality stands out. I've read my statement of purpose over and over multiple times and it IS very good. According to my former professor, who frequently reviews these things and who is not prone to give out compliments, it's the best she's ever read. So I know as an applicant I'm unique, both due to my life experiences and my interests. I just don't want to come across as boring or flaky in person. I just want them to see the real me.
I just... really, really like this school and think it could be a great fit for me. So I am both excited to have this opportunity, and nervous.
I am so sleep deprived. I keep waking up too early in the day. It's making me sick to my stomach. I took a nap though. Tonight I am going to take some Tylenol PM and hope that helps. Bed is so beautiful and so important.
I have a good therapist. I wanted to write about some stuff but I'm so out of it, I doubt I'll be very articulate. He said he saw it as a great coping mechanism that I've learned to love and accept the people in my family despite deep flaws. But when I told him about the latest argument with my Mother (which was about the fact that my Grandma has been beating my Grandpa again, or at least she believes so), he said, ''You know, I'm all for embracing the humanity in every person, but there's gotta be a downside. You're a person too.''
I'm still trying to figure out what he meant by that. My Mom is not mad at me, our argument was short because she had to punch into work. I know we will talk it out. What I was trying to say, or wanted to say, is that people don't have to be all good or all bad. I was trying to say it's okay for me to love my Grandma even if she has lost her mind and is doing crazy things. But maybe it's not okay.
And that's sort of what I've been wondering lately. If, for the first time possibly ever, my Mom is actually right. Maybe my Mom is actually more mentally balanced than my grandparents right now. Now THAT'S a scary thought.
So thinking all of this, that maybe I need to be a bit more honest with myself about what my family is, I called my Grandma. My Uncle Paul is getting evicted from his apartment because his mental illness has gotten to be too much for the landlords to handle. I was worried he was going to end up on the street, which is a frequent fear of mine. My grandparents promised me they would never let him end up on the street That made me feel a little bit better for the time being. The question is what happens when my grandparents can't take care of him any more. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
However, talking to my Grandparents just made me all confused again. They have always been so loving to me. I can't stop caring about them. Life would be so much easier for me if I could.
I have two graduate school interviews this Thursday. And then Friday and Saturday I have a colonoscopy. Yep, great times this week. I think the interviews will be nice and informative. Since I've had a colonoscopy before, I'm not nervous, but I am very much not looking forward to the Prep on Friday, which involves drinking copious amounts of horrendous liquid that makes you want to vomit. So I will pretty much spend that day gagging and pooping. The actual scope itself is a cakewalk compared to the day before.
I almost decided not to do the scope because I know they won't find anything. The medicine they gave me helped TREMENDOUSLY but what bothers me is that I missed doses yesterday and I'm completely ill today. I am utterly dependent on the medication. So even though they will probably find nothing, we'll do the colonoscopy now to say that we did it, so the next time I come crawling back to the doctors they can run the next battery of tests.
I have really been enjoying my new computer. I installed the expensive new graphics card on Wednesday. It took me seven hours to figure out how to do it. I'd never seen the inside of a computer before. It was pretty cool. The graphics card is everything I dreamed it would be. It runs Oblivion on Ultra High graphics setting, and Oblivion is truly a stunning game visually. Now I have confidence my new computer will run just about any game I want to play. That's exciting.
We had some actual people over yesterday to our house. So the home is squeaky clean. Irene and Darren are two of Dom's friends from grad school. We watched I Heart Huckabees. It was the first time I met Darren, and I'm pretty much sold on him because he was really into the movie in a philosophic way. I think there is potential for real friendship there.
Well, there she is. I've been saving up my money to go to Mexico but due to my health, the expense, and the fact that I'd kinda like to have an actual summer in the U.S. for a change, I decided to spend the money on something else I've been waiting on for a long time.
My motive for buying this computer was pure as the driven snow: I want to play lots and lots of games. We're running out of good ones on our PS2 and none of the new gaming systems have a significant number of RPGs to justify me purchasing one. Computers, on the other hand... well, they are the future of gaming. Or the present, if you think about WOW and shit. I've waited for this for a while, so I am determined to do it right. I want best of the best.
So I'm slightly miffed because I was told this thing would play Oblivion (see left of picture) without breaking a sweat. The guy didn't really know what he was talking about. I can play it on a low graphics setting and I can attest that it's a freaking awesome game, but what's the fucking point of playing something like OBLIVION on a LOW graphics setting? It is a visual masterpiece.
I thought about exchanging the CPU (and keeping the freakin' sweet 19'' LCD monitor), but fortunately my Uncle Mike (who is an expert in these things) stepped in to explain that actually I got quite good value for my dollar. Apparently the system is all-around excellent with a mediocre graphics card, and Best Buy would charge me an arm and a leg to get a so-called ''Gaming Computer.'' Instead he reccomended a ridiculously high end graphics card and told me I could install it myself at a cheaper price than buying it already installed in a CPU. So I dropped $300 (yes, $300 counting sales tax and shipping) on the new graphics card and am anxiously awaiting its arrival. It probably won't be here until Monday. And I predict a lot of cursing and kicking things before I get it installed and running properly.
But once things fall together... I am going to be in Oblivion.
Now I've got this baby hooked up to internet and in the meantime, Oblivion is still a ton of fun to play on a lower graphics setting (it still looks pretty damn good.) I went for the whole shebang. I even bought myself a new desk chair. I'm spent an assload of money this month and tomorrow or Sunday I have to go buy myself an outfit for grad school interview IN LESS THAN ONE WEEK. It's been an expensive month, and I can't even believe how privileged I am to be able to get something this nice when so many other people are truly suffering financially. I managed to do all this with very minimal debt -- so minimal it'll be gone within a month or two.
I am a very lucky, and grateful girl.
In other news, I started therapy last week, and I like my new therapist. He's a good listener and he does private practice so I literally get to sit on a couch for therapy. I was extremely nervous (shaking) while I poured out my life story, but he picked up on a lot of stuff immediately without my having to tell him. He immediately understood that gene, Mom's fourth husband, was essentially my father, and he got what a tremendous loss it was for me to come to terms with his abuse. I've talked about that abuse 'til I was blue in the face, but he was the first one who ever grasped, immediately, how important he was to my life and how I am still grieving that loss.
He says I have remarkable coping skills and he's impressed how I've been able to keep my life basically on track. I think of my two years withdrawal from college as like a major life derailment and he was treating it like it was little more than a bump in the road. He also said I have a remarkable ability to form close relationships with people who can help me -- citing my Aunt, my grandma, and my husband as key examples. I never really thought of my love for them as a coping mechanism before. :)
I am going back to see him tomorrow, and I think I will talk about my uncle's death and the day of the funeral. That mess should give him a really clear idea of who my family is now. I told him one major reason I'm in therapy is to figure out how my family fits into my life now.
He's just so smart. Even after one session I really feel like he grasped the dynamic of... everything. And I didn't even have to tell him everything for that to work.
I <3 my computer. I am so glad it's Friday. I love my new office and the commute is better, but the job is still stressful and I've had a little PMS paranoia not helping anything. I am so glad to have the weekend to relax. I'm just so glad.
I'm being transferred out of the Downtown field office and into the Midtown field office at One Penn Plaza. This is good for the following reasons:
1. Commute time drops from 3-3.5 hours daily to 2-2.5 hours daily. 2. This means I can sleep in a half hour longer and get home a half hour sooner. 3. I don't have to walk nearly as far from the train station to work. 4. Penn Plaza is not as understaffed as 120 Broadway, therefore the work itself will not be as stressful. 5. I don't have to cram my ass into the crowded PATH train every morning, but instead can ride comfy NJ transit straight into NYC with no transfers.
The two greatest stressors of my job have been the commute + understaffing, so it looks like we may be killing two birds with one stone here!
I am pretty pumped. I am mildly nervous as I don't know the people I'll be working with or what the new office environment will be like. Also, I'm afraid I may be the only Spanish-speaking rep and I really don't want to speak Spanish any more, so we'll see how that goes. In the meantime I strive to remain optimistic.
My great-grandmother died yesterday. My grandpa, who is 70, had been taking care of her for over a decade--requiring him to spend several hours a day wiith her. I was not particularly close to her though she was meaningful to my Mom and aunt and uncle. My grandpa has done nothing but take care of others for a very long time, and he is retired and his health is failing too. So even though I feel a kind of sadness at this loss, it will be better for my grandpa overall to not have to care for her anymore. He knows that too. He told me on the phone last night he is taking it as a signal to slow down. I hope it makes life easier for my grandparents. They deserve a break.
For the last two nights I've been awakened by severe stomach pain and unable to get back to sleep for several hours. Last night it was 1am. This morning it was 6am, so we're getting closer to wake-up time I guess. My current pain is actually more like menstrual cramps, though I'm on the pill and not anywhere near my period so I can't imagine what's happening there. I'm really hoping these are just cramps and not my stomach pain getting worse. Last night I couldn't even stand up I was in so much pain. I have an X-ray and yet another colonoscopy/upper-endoscopy scheduled for later this month. I strongly suspect they won't find anything. Such is my luck.
I have two more days of vacation and then back to work at my new office venue. Today Dom and I will probably play video games together and then watch The Golden Globes on TV. We were supposed to go skiing yesterday with some friends but had to cancel due to my stomach pain. I pretty much have no life as long as these symptoms persist.
I am really sleep deprived. I am going to try to go back to sleep now.
Ok, so somehow I got an appointment with the Gastrointerologist scheduled for today! Now I don't have to take off work to do it. I've been feeling significantly better, so I hope I don't get dismissed out of hand due to the fact that I'm not currently symptomatic.
I also have a graduate school interview scheduled with the University of Pennsylvania on the 26th of this month. They will render their decision 2-3 weeks after that interview, which is approximately when I will hear a decision from Columbia University as well. It's crunch time, ladies and gentlemen!
Naturally, I had a dream about it. I wouldn't call it a nightmare exactly, but one of the interviewers felt I lacked the fundamental qualities necessary for social work practice, and it threw me off my game a little. I still managed to defend myself and pull off a positive interview though. I guess that means I have doubts right now, but optimism too.
It has been difficult for me to think about much else other than graduate school, even though I'm stuck in this waiting period during which not a lot can be done. I have decided to pursue clinical social work and become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (this requires a two year post-graduate internship, so is no small time investment.) I'm a little vexed about my grad school interview because my Statement of Purpose clearly states that I want to take a macro focus on mental health and immigration, not a clinical one. I don't have to elect an official concentration until my second year, but I'm worried my statement of purpose may unduly influence my initial field placement. I'm also nervous that I'm going to come off like a flake during the interview if I dare tell them I am considering clinical work. The thing is, (not that I'm rambling enough about this already) given my background I kind of feel like my strongest leg to stand on is NGO/administrative--that will get my foot in the door, then I can switch my focus to clinical. Is that bad?
I have a feeling this will not be my only post on the subject. Sorry folks.
I have finally started giving myself credit for the weight I have lost. I am down to 153 lbs which is a loss of over 30 pounds total this year. Until this point I still felt unhealthy and unattractive, but for some reason it finally clicked that I'm lighter and fitter than I've ever been. According the U.S. Army Weight Charts I am only 10 lbs overweight now and 4% away from healthy body fat. Of course, I'm a little soft, but once I'm well enough to start weight training I can take care of that with no problem. I figure if I can lose 50 pounds, I can lose another 10. I can't wait for Daylight Savings Time to arrive so we can start running again in the mornings. In the meantime I will stick to the free weights and my chin-up bar.
I just felt compelled to post about how lucky I am. My apparently bright future notwithstanding, I'm married to the most beautiful person in the world and my cat is adorable.
One thing I really need to work on is my self-image, as I've felt completely hideous for the last several months which has led me to avoid sex at every opportunity. Dom is attracted to me no matter how awful I think I look, which genuinely freaks me out. But it's just occurred to me this is a very good thing, a thing I should take advantage of. So I am making it a point to try to think of myself as beautiful no matter what, or in the very least to act beautiful no matter what. It is the only way I am going to get closer to my husband.
The thing about developing a stronger self-image is I'm not really sure how to do it. There must be some Cognitive Behavioral trick to it. I am going to have to do some research.
I'm sick as a dog. I've been more acutely sick before, but I've never been so consistently ill for such a long time. I still can't eat. I nibbled on soup and crackers and stuff and popped Pepto Bismol tablets all day long and got cocky enough to eat a turkey burger. Got up in the middle of the night to be sick. I was reserving Vicodin for rare occasions only but the pain got to be so bad. I took half a pill. Now I can't sleep at all. I'm starving and nauseated. I hope to god my doctor pushes this thing through on Monday. I hope to god I don't have to wait another two or three weeks to find out what's wrong. I am really not okay, on a level that honestly scares me.
I've been such a moron lately on so many levels. The first is that I have been running around with all these thoughts in my head, all these emotions to sort out, and for some reason I forgot I could put them down here. So maybe my week off will result in me finally getting some of this stuff out of my system.
Since I couldn't sleep, I finished reading Chuck Palahniuk's ''Choke.'' I read his short story, ''Guts,'' years ago, which is absolutely disgusting and you should not even google for it if you have a weak stomach. It's seriously the grossest thing I've ever read, but it was also incredibly compelling and well-written. I remember being impressed then, impressed and disgusted. For those not familiar with the author, he wrote ''Fight Club'' and ''Stranger Than Fiction,'' neither of which I've read. But ''Choke'' was good. It was about a medical school drop-out sex addict with a crazy mother who fucked him up but good. I admire his writing style, which is quite gritty and sometimes a little grotesque. I don't aspire to the same level of grotesqueness, but his style is very spare and direct in the same way mine is. More importantly, his work left me with something. It didn't feel all that monumental while I was reading it, but now that I've finished I feel like there's something there to sort through.
One thing the book certainly drove home is that I should thank my lucky stars I am as high-functioning as I am . The worst I ever did to myself was lay in bed all day and let my grades slip down to Bs. Also I ruined my credit, but that's already fixed.
I'm dealing with a lot of feelings right now ( about the past. )
I am going to dump all of this on my new therapist. I can't wait. It's the most interesting day, the first day. Because there is so much shit. And I just sit there and explain everything so matter-of-factly even though I know what I'm describing is absolute madness. I don't emote, I just relate the story. I talk about my feelings, but I don't feel them. I say, "This was humiliating," or "that was very painful," but I don't feel the humiliation or the pain as I say it. I just remember the story.
This time I can't help but wonder if it will be different. Just the fact that he's a man is going to throw me off balance. My stepmother-in-law, who I really quite like despite the unpopularity of liking her, has said to me over and over, "The best thing you could ever do for yourself is get a male therapist." She thinks I have issues with men. I have issues with certain men in certain contexts, but in general I think guys are great. Still I'm curious to know what she thinks will happen. What walls will come tumbling down? Maybe because I've never had a father good for anything the skies will open up and I'll find healing in a new way. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm already nervous. But excited too because Jesus, I've been carrying all this around on my back for so long, with no place to dump it.
What happened to me was real. I always think about it in pieces but it's hard to combine all the pieces into a cohesive whole. I say often that my Mom is fucking insane, but I don't sit down too often and think about what that actually means. Lately I've been thinking about it a lot. I think I excused a lot of things that she did because of her illness, said she didn't really mean to hurt me. But really that's not 100% honest. There were clear cases in which she was absolutely fucking sadistic. I try to rationalize it but there's no way around it. Even if it was only in that moment, there were times she wanted me to suffer. There were times she deliberately inflicted suffering. On a deeper level she was confused, lost, hopeless, helpless--but in that moment she wanted me to hurt and made sure that I did.
It's all forgivable, but what I'm talking about here is beyond forgiveness. It's just about finally seeing things the way that they were. Finally having an accurate picture of reality. Finally seeing myself as this unfortunate, helpless kid instead of some kind of infinitely wise creature who made sacrifices to protect her family. I don't think it's legitimately a sacrifice if it's taken from you. I thought I had way more control than I actually did. It's scary to let go of the certainty, but that's where I'm at right now. Ready to just let go. Instead of rationalizing everything, just see abuse as abuse. Because I love my Mom, because I forgive her, doesn't mean she didn't make the choice to be a fucking evil sadistic bitch.
I feel like absolute sin for even writing that out. But it's good to stretch beyond your comfort zone.
Well, I have so much more on my mind. I told you there was so much. I've been carrying it around for months. I forgot how much I need writing to process shit. This week I'm going to lay it all down.
I've sort of gotten into a funk and I'm still working on getting out of it.
I am supposed to be on vacation right now. I was returning to Michigan to see all of my friends and family. Seven straight days off work, all paid, to get away and reconnect with the people I love.
Unfortunately I have not been physically well. I've been having severe stomach pain for over a month now and increasingly unable to eat. I had an ultrasound scheduled for today but Wednesday night I ended up in the ER... 11 hours sitting on a gurney pumped full of morphine... good times. I didn't get home until 6am. They did the ultrasound and the CAT scan and still don't know what's wrong with me. They gave a prescription for Vicodin in the meantime. But I have to cancel my vacation to go follow up with my doctor on Monday. I am taking all these vacation days and using them for doctor's appointments. I'm so frustrated that they still don't know what's going on. The pain is immense and I am very sick. I still can't eat.
I haven't been the greatest emotionally, either, in part because I've been too sick to exercise. Right now I'm too sick to even get off the couch. I've lost a ton of weight (30 pounds this year) and am now down to 155. I'm still losing weight for no apparent reason, but I've fallen out of fitness in the last couple of months.
My job is stressful, in part because that breezy ''one hour'' commute to New York City is actually damn near two hours. I spend between 3-4 hours a day commuting and therefore have no time available during the weekdays. I think the job won't be so stressful once my body is fixed. I very much enjoy the work and I love the people... we're just understaffed. It's a small office, two counselors and two reps in the middle of downtown Manhattan. Things get pretty wild over there.
My job is temporary. I applied to graduate school and am just playing the waiting game. It took me several months to get all the applications in... hours and hours and hours of preparation. I put everything I had into it. I applied to Columbia, UPenn, Bryn Mawr College and Rutgers. I am absolutely dying to go to Columbia. My statement of purpose is all about how I want to manage a nonprofit... but I'll probably become a clinical therapist. I can't think about that right now or it will drive me nuts. I am beside myself with anticipation, but the Columbia website says I won't hear back until middle of February.
I've already been offered an interview to University of Pennsylvania as soon as they receive one more recommendation. My boss said he was going to send it two weeks ago but still hasn't. Technically the deadline isn't 'til March but the waiting is agonizing.
On top of the physical difficulties, I've somewhat been falling apart emotionally as well. My mother is not doing so hot. She's in the middle of declaring bankruptcy and she's just become engaged to a man who is also declaring bankruptcy. This will be her fifth marriage. For some reason this is bringing up all kinds of negative feelings for me about the past. Thank God I found a therapist willing to do Saturdays. I start with him later this month. Yeah, him--that will be interesting won't it, spilling my guts to a guy? He seemed really nice. And as I said, he works Saturdays.
I am an extraordinarily fortunate person. Deep down I know this. The fact that I can even be optimistic about my odds for Columbia is a miracle in itself. For some reason I'm losing my grip on things. My New Year's Resolution is to focus on gratitude. It sounds easy, but it's not. I'm in a negative feedback loop right now that's going to be tough to break. I am trying to cope by focusing on the present moment and everything for which I am grateful.
My husband continues to be an extraordinary human being worthy only of the highest praise. He is the most supportive and loving person ever, and also he is adorable. He's made a lot of new friends as a grad student, some of which I've hung out with too, but we've yet to really get super close to anyone out here. One of his pals is a remarkable person named Irene who is a Russian immigrant. She has some very interesting tales to tell about growing up in Lenin's Soviet Union. Her birth country doesn't even really exist right now--it's now Belarus and has an entirely different national identity. This is a woman who can never go home.
I've been working on my novel as well. Right now all I'm doing is transcribing all of the written parts into one cohesive body of text in my word processing program. I don't think I'll be able to finish the work until I flesh out what I already have and give it more depth. I have somehow become re-energized to work on this project again. The time is right.
I hope all of you enjoyed your holiday and had a happy new year. I will try not to be so much of a stranger. It is hard because I have been so busy.
I moved to New Jersey. I got a job promotion in Manhattan. I start training September 8th. I am really excited to be working in Manhattan. I'll commute via train every day.
Our new apartment is big and beautiful. I love living in New Jersey. I can be in New York City in one hour (and will be... repeatedly... once I start work.) We have a park out back with tennis courts and a running trail and we're throwing a party on Sunday. I've been forcing myself not only to be more social, but to be more active in general. I started a formal meditation practice yesterday. I've been meditating with the wrong form for about 6 years, but now at least I have a teacher to show me the right way.
I've lost 15 lbs since April and I am still running and still losing weight, gradually and consistently. I got a little behind during the move, but I'm back to running 2-3 miles each time we hit the trail. We are training for a 10K in a few months -- that's about 6.2 miles. I know I can do it. It will take some work though. At least I know I am thinner and more physically fit than I've ever been in my life. This is the longest I have ever sustained a regular exercise routine. My biggest challenge will be running outdoors through the Winter. Once I make it through the Winter, I am going to get myself something HUGE. I don't even know what yet, but the reward will be legendary.
I am all about rewarding myself for accomplishing my goals. I cannot wait to get my first paycheck. I'm going to buy myself a Garmin GPS with Heartrate monitor as some kind of reward for a job exquisitely well done. I haven't decided what the goal will be for sure -- running or weight related. I'm thinking either running 4 miles (that would be a distance PR, as my current max is 3.5.) or possibly hitting that coveted 150lb mark. (14 lbs to go...)
And I am writing my Statement of Purpose for Rutgers. I am really applying for graduate school this time. I plan to have my application ready to go by the time I start work next month. The rough draft for the Statement of Purpose is almost complete.
So that's where I'm at now. I am extremely happy. I've cut all the wheat from the chaff. I am no longer allowing myself to have problems within my control to fix. If I'm unhappy about something, I either change it or accept it, depending on the thing. Life is so much easier, and I am so much happier, now that I take responsibility for everything I do. My actions are reflecting my dreams.
Yes, today was the Tortoise and the Hare 5K Fourth of July Race.
Yes, I did it!!!
3.1 miles in 42:05... slow, you say? Maybe. But for me? No way. I totally annihilated and smashed my pace PR into smithereens. It wasn't ONLY a PR for the 5K, it was a PR for, historically, every distance I've ever run, including just 1 mile.
My last 3 mile pace was 15:35/mile and I did today's race at 13:35/mile.
SHIT, that's like 2 minutes faster/mile than I've ever run that distance before! I literally shaved over 6 minutes off of my total time today. I don't even know how I did it. It was hard work. I'm totally wiped. But I feel great inside.
BEFORE:
AFTER:
MY HUSBAND, the saint who always stays by my side, even though he could easily double my pace. I don't think I'd have made it even this far without his support.
So a good day, to say the very least. I have a headache and I hurt, but at least I have a very obvious reason why! I can't wait for fireworks tonight! They are so romantic! Happy 4th Everybody!
So much has been going on. We found an amazing apartment in New Brunswick, New Jersey... you guys, New Brunswick is so beautiful and green. Our place is 900 square feet (300 sq foot upgrade from where we live now), hardwood parquet floors, and faces (literally, our backyard) a giant recreational park with baseball diamonds, tennis courts, and a 1.3 mile running trail that crosses a river into an even bigger park, totaling in a total running/hiking distance of 4.3 miles. In our backyard. I have about one month left of work here and then we're moving August 6th.
I'm looking for work now, that is a challenge. I'm trying to stick with social work but it's tempting to apply for easy clerical jobs because I feel more qualified for those. But my heart wants to do service, so I'm applying to those jobs. One I'm looking into would provide rehabilitative care for people with dual diagnosis of mental illness and developmental disorders. That would be such an inspiring job, to help people realize they are capable of taking care of themselves, watching that confidence in them grow.
Running continues. We had actually reached an impasse, basically I was trying to run my max distance (3.2 miles) every day I ran, and it's just not realistic. We just started Hal Higdon's Spring Training which ends in a 6 miles weekend run after the two month plan, and from that jumps to his Marathon Training Plan. I have a tentative goal to run the NYC Marathon next November (hell, it's a 50 minute train ride from our apartment!) The training plan that starts at 6 miles is 6 months to complete, so if I started it next Spring, I think we'd be in shape for the Marathon by November. I want to do NYC because it goes through all 5 Burroughs and over 5 bridges and how fucking sweet would it be to run with all those people and past all those major city landmarks, ending in Central Park? Entry is a lottery system though because too many people apply, but I think you can guarantee a spot if you run for a charity. So of course I would do that anyways.
Anyways the road from 3.2 to 26.6 is a long one. But a journey that begins with a single step!
I can't help it, I'm in a good mood. I'm healthy and I just had a great run, easy 1.5 and we set a personal record for pace. My first 5K is on the 4th of July and I am PUMPED, not only for the run and the free t-shirt but for fireworks too! It's my favorite holiday because you get to cuddle on blankets with your sweetie and watch pretty colors.
I hate being an insomniac, but I have just enough brain power left to say I'm really really really really REALLY proud of Mr. Barack Obama at the moment. Shit, he's like my hero. He's reaching Nelson Mandela levels of reverence from me. If I had any energy left, I'd be really fucking excited right now.
I ran 2.6 miles today.
Also, I don't have to work tomorrow because my lovely little sis is graduating from high school. I love her so much it's ridiculous.
I can't sleep, but at least instead of anxiety it's because of excitement.
Today I set a personal distance record/time record... 2.25 miles and 34 minutes. My pace is an abysmal 15:00 but that will improve with time. Today felt GREAT. I tried running with my knee brace and didn't get far, had to rip it off and carry it with me (okay, I made Dom carry it.)
I seem to be consuming about 1500 calories a day (actually, today was less than 1000... but I accidentally didn't eat anything between 11:30am and 7:00pm, so that's atypical.) I'm not trying to starve myself, I'm eating until I'm full. I just get full fast. I always have had a tiny appetite. Now I'm eating healthy food, and according to my calculations I anticipate I'll be losing weight at a rate of approximately one pound every three or four days.
I just bought a scale last weekend, and since then I've lost 1 pound.
Yeah, it's not exactly melting away, but I can be patient. The most reliable weight loss is gradual weight loss. I truly believe I will be able to reach my goal of 150 lbs/25% body fat. I did the calculations and 102 lbs of me is lean body mass--the rest (a horrifying 40%) is fat, I'm embarrassed to say. But that also means I have a lot of potential progress.
I'm happy to have a real synergy of motivation for all these changes -- I changed my diet initially to help with IBS (fiber makes the world go round.) Then I changed it because it was really making me feel good the more healthy I ate. Then I started running because I was really into the idea of being healthy and aging gracefully. Then I started running more because I discovered it works better than an antidepressant could ever hope to, and it's completely satisfying to reach my running goals.
It just recently occurred to me all this stuff is probably going to make me lose a lot of weight. So now I'm like triple motivated. I just love the idea of going into a shopping mall and being able to wear anything I see. (I recognize due to my breast size this may be a pipe dream, but it'll definitely expand my options!)
I can't imagine ever being able to run a marathon. But somehow I believe in the possibility. Not this year, probably not even next year, but maybe within the next 3-5 years... the fact that this seems remotely possible totally blows my mind. And is very exciting.
I talked to my best friend on the phone today. It's totally cool to actually have regular conversations with her.
Wow. I am so happy. I have FINALLY discovered an activity that has the ability to IMMEDIATELY change my mood. I was incredibly depressed today, mostly because I sat inside--also felt sick for pushing myself a little too hard when I ran yesterday.
Well, to make a long story short -- I ran 2 miles today.
I RAN TWO FREAKING MILES TODAY! Without pushing myself too hard, but at a faster pace than ever before.
I am 2/3 of the way to my goal! And the depression lifted.
And something else that makes me so happy I can't stand it: One of my all time favorite bands, Weezer, has a new album coming out June 3rd, and they've already released the single, and it's an oddly moving, hilarious homage to all the internet memes running around -- with the actual people doing new stuff for the music video. You have to see it.
And the message is great!
I'mma do the things that I want to do I ain't got a thing to prove to you I can eat my candy with the pork and beans Excuse my manners If I make a scene
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like I'm finally dandy with the me inside One look in the mirror And I'm tickled pink I don't give a hoot About what you think
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flolloping_zem's journal
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